Outside the Green Door #2

By Twomowers

Manchester United ruined my garden
Thanks for all the e-mails over the summer asking me for advice, tips and how me garden’s getting on but to be honest it’s a complete shambles at the moment. You know when your garden’s a tip when your next door neighbour shouts over ‘hey I’m having a barbecue at the weekend do you mind if I come round and mow your lawn and cut your privets and is there any chance of you taking your kids out for the day on satdy’. The reason for the complete breakdown of my horticultural skillage is because my time, thoughts and actions have been taken over by football and what to do and MUFC and FCUM. So even though I’m getting on with it I’m still a bit stuck in the summer. Anyways Margy’s here now and like bessy mates do, he’s helping me out. He’s sorting a vegetable plot out with me and getting the players round to do a bit of digging and planting and stuff. When it’s all done and producing he’s gonna deliver the produce for me to his various contacts. All profits will be ploughed (geddit?) back into the club of course.

Robot Killjoy-Sulk
Following football in the lower leagues is different in so many ways even the experience of ordering tickets. At OT you get a one-way conversation where a robot girl says ‘welcome to Manchester United automated ticket line get yer credit cards out’. Naturally, as we all do, you verbally abuse robot girl by saying stuff like ‘oh fook off you dense cow’, cos it’s ok, it’s just an electronic being. Like when she says ‘…and you were unsuccessful’ you might say ‘oh fookin cheers, shove yer fookin tickets up yer fookin fat dimpled arse’. Or if you’re a perv, which I’m not but if you were, you could ask ‘what colour are your undergarments today?’ and there’s no recriminations, no harm done it’s just a robot and it just takes it. When I phoned AFC Wimbledon’s ticket line it was a different fookin ball game. Their robot got all mard when I dished out the verbals, in fact she started give it back like a voice activated bollocking and when I said ‘stick yer fookin tickets up yer arse’ she says ‘I already have done and now I’m posting them to your northern 2-up 2-down slum’. Obviously I was upset but hey – at least it’s another example of football with a more real feel to it.

Apology Soz everyone this column should have gone out last month but editor Andy Minter ballsed up and blamed the designer then sacked the poor fookin designer, then advertised his job on the website- fookin Andy Thatcher more like.

Twomowers {at} hotmail.com